No one ever wants to get a call at 3:10 in the morning. Just hearing the phone ring at that hour creates tension throughout the body. Who is going to be on the other end? More specifically what tragedy waits on the other end of the line?
In the wee hours of Sunday - which seem like so very long ago now - I received one of those calls. I answered the phone still in a sleepy fog still halfway thinking about the boiled shrimp I was just eating in my dreams only to hear "Sorry to wake you up but I need to tell you that Nana's dead." Three minutes later I was off the phone. Neal never got awake enough for me to tell him what was going on so as tired as I was I just lay there with my mind racing...
Did I really just hear all of that? Did my dad really just call me? How did she die? Is my dad okay? I was going to call her tonight while sewing but I forgot. She would not have answered. After some time I drifted back to sleep only to wake to the alarm at 6:15. I staggered to the shower then began to wake up. I seemed to remember a phone call last night.
Did I dream that Nana died and Dad called me or did that really happen. I think it really happened but just maybe it was a dream. When I get out of the shower I am going to go look at my phone's call history. It really happened.
When you are out of town though things aren't as real. I remember a close friend who had a family member unexpectedly die tell me, "It is kind of nice living so far away. Most days I do my thing and because I don't see the whole family I kind of forget. But then when I go home the grief comes back as does the pain and I remember this really happened and I have to deal with it head on." I thought at the time I understood what she meant but now I seem to understand even more clearly. It is easy to compartmentalize. I can jump into the day's activities and the children's needs and while I know in the back of my mind what is going on I don't really have to think about it.
One thought that has prevailed in my mind has been the faithfulness of God and the truth of His word. Yesterday afternoon Neal and I were talking and I told him I am so thankful that I believe in the Sovereignty of God. Without a clear understanding that God is in control of ALL things I would be left to question why this death had happened. But instead I was able to smile and agree with Neal, yes God's timing is perfect and He alone is sovereign over all things. That does not remove the grief but it does sweeten the grief. Now instead of feeling like I am eating a lemon I am eating a lemon that was first rolled in sugar - still sour but not as sour as it once was. A few months back our Sunday School teacher went on a slight rant about how people say stupid things when they don't know what to say (i.e. a death, a miscarriage). He encouraged our class to memorize a familiar verse; it has been ringing in my head now for the past day. "...Weeping may tarry for the night but joy comes with the morning." (Psalm 30:5) I have been praying that this verse will ring true with my family this day and in the days ahead as they clean her house, make arrangements, and spend time together. I have also been anxiously waiting for this verse to ring in my life during this. In God's faithfulness it happened today - this morning actually. Last night I went to bed crying but then this morning as I am going through the motions of the morning around here, Neal comes barreling down the stairs and says with a chuckle, "I was thinking while getting dressed what my most vivid last memory was of Nana. It was when she stole that Lowe's or Home Depot whatever it was gift card from Laura and Heath during Sneaky Santa. Man that was funny." I started laughing and said, "Yeah that was pretty funny. That's Nana for you."
What are my vivid memories? How do I want to remember Nana? Summed up I would say her's was a life well lead. The extended version...Lots of people have Nanas out there but on a few of us share my Nana. When I was little and we spent the night with them on the weekends we would 1. on Saturday night watch
Fantasy Island and
The Love Boat as a family; 2. she would put curlers her hair while watching the shows so it would be ready for Sunday; 3. we would kneel down beside the bed and pray as a family before bedtime; 4. Sunday morning would be a frantic furry getting to church on time (or 15 minutes late as a Grimm family tradition) with her running around in a robe, stockings and slippers; and 5. go to church and sit in the same place every time - down front about 3 or 4 rows back on the far right side. As a little girl, when I would go over to visit we would bake and cook but bake a lot. She was the first person who let me crack the egg in the bowl - she never complained as she fished out all of the shell either. I would sit in the chair at the counter and stir and measure. One Christmas she gave me
Sesame Street measuring cups; I thought it was the COOLEST when she let me use my measuring cups to cook with her. We made countless Christmas cookies and cookie Christmas tree ornaments. It was at their kitchen table that I first participated in Advent. I was young and did not understand it but I participated none the less. All I really understood was we were reading what seemed to me like a long Bible story and we got to light candles one of which was purple. We played office for hours on end with the stuff she would bring home from work for us to play with and the sunshine money in the drawer. One of the most noteworthy parts of that though is that we played in the dining room...a small museum of china and crystal and other breakable nick nacks.
She sewed; she cooked and she entertained...all like it was her job! She had the gift of hospitality. She taught me the valuable lesson that your whole house does not have to be clean to have and enjoy guests. She was no cleaner - her philosophy was keep things tidy and when guests come confine the clutter/mess to rooms with doors and shut them. A guest had no business snooping in rooms with shut doors in her mind and if you did and saw the clutter then shame on you for going where you shouldn't. Two of the wedding presents she gave us came from her own collection. One was her cake stand; and not a cake goes through our house that is not displayed on that beautiful stand. It has seen all major holidays, all 1st birthdays, all baptisms and all sorts of other dessert events. The other is a china serving dish. I picked a Lenox pattern that is extremely close to hers. When she was here she said, "I have a serving piece just like that." "No you don't," I replied, "you gave yours to me." Her eyes got big; she smiled and then laughed at herself for forgetting.
She was consistent and stern at times. She was in charge. She was the family matriarch. No one dare cross her, well maybe Aunt Joahan was gutsy enough but the rest of us said yes ma'am and went on. We may not follow her advice but we knew enough to keep that part to ourselves. She was loving and kind. She took such amazing care of Tataw for so long. I was visiting her and Tataw one day - when he was to the point that he did not talk and had no clue who I was - she began telling me how thankful she was that she was able to take care of him and that it was hard but it was a joy. She told me of some friends whose spouses suffered too from Alzheimers but their spouses became combative and mean. Not Tataw, he remained kind and even to his last breath he knew the sound of her voice. After he died I went to visit one day. We recalled stories about Tataw. During that afternoon she told me that she did the majority of her grieving when she first found out he had Alzheimers not when he died. She knew that he was now in heaven in a new body with a brain once again capable of remembering and articulating his praises to God for all eternity. Sure she missed him that was obvious but she was joyful that he was well and confident they would be reunited again one day.
When I called her to tell her that I was engaged to Neal, whom she had met once, she got on to me and told me that I should have told her it was more serious when she met him a few months back because she did not get "a good look at him." I laughed. Then she told me (and several times since) that she knew we had a special love; a love like she and Tataw had. What a compliment!
As I mentioned before Nana was incredibly frugal and practical. While visiting us for a few days a few years back (Anna Grace was 2 and Dean was about 7 months), she was most impressed that our hot water heater was centrally located in our home which meant that we got hot water really fast which meant our water bill was less than it would be if we had to wait for hot water all the time. During that special visit she saw Dean crawl for the fist time, went with us to the library and watched Anna Grace play and took us out to dinner. She read stories to Anna Grace just as long as she would sit still and listen - which for Anna Grace is a long time. She participated in our bed time ritual of reading, prayer and singing with the children. She talked for hours about different things from her life - marriage, child rearing, funny stories, learning to drive after she got married, how she and Tataw met and fell in love. All she brought on that trip was a small bag with some clothes and toiletries, her "pocketbook" and her Bible...it was incredibly well worn. At the end of her stay she wanted to do something for me that would help. The only thing she could think to do - since she could not keep the children for Neal and I to go to dinner (that was what she really wanted to do but knew she could not since she could not lift them) - was to get my hardwood floor cleaner, sit on the floor and clean my floor. What a gift! When my aunt got here to pick her up she made her check them out and then went and found the same floor cleaner because she liked it so much. On that same visit she also told me that she potty trained her children by the time they were 1 mainly because she did not want to deal with the dirty cloth diapers. I did not say much to that - that was one of those moments where I said "yes ma'am" then moved on to another topic. She also jumped into the most polite conversation possible about sex - I politely found it an important time to check on the children before I found out something I did not want to find out about my grandmother! Two full days with your grandmother and your children in your own home; most people don't get that and those who do usually don't end up having as much fun as we had. It was a truly cherished visit for us.
She is the one person who called me "Courtney Orntney" and asked if you needed to go "tink-a-link" (potty) before bed. She loved her family - her husband, children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. But most importantly she loved her Lord. Her conversation was so often seasoned with salt and an encouragement to me. I called her not long before Anna Grace's 4th birthday party to ask her if she had a butterfly cookie cutter. She asked all about the party details then said, "Now, Courtney, she's four; she will be happy with a box cake you know." I laughed at her and told her that the box was already in the kitchen along with the slice and bake sugar cookie logs waiting on some attention. I am confident that when her children were turning four they got cakes - not cupcakes - from scratch but if there had been good box cake mixes out there she probably would have cut some corners for the sake of time and sanity too. We talked about sewing and cooking and even swapped some recipes in recent years. She was full of wisdom. She gave me my first study Bible and my first cookbook. Two staples for life. I still have both. I use a different Bible now but that cookbook is used just about weekly around here.
She was
a woman who feared the Lord. And is now standing up right - no more osteoporosis - assuming she is not laying prostrate in heaven praising and worshiping her faithful, sovereign God. "Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates." (Proverbs 30:30-31)
While I am confident that there are more tears to be shed, typing this morning has been the best therapy for me. And at this moment I am ready for the drive tomorrow, the family reunion and a tearful celebration of life. I am ready to say not good-bye but, "I'll see you later when I too get home" until then
Pocahontas over there needs her belt,
Lightning McQueen rolled under the couch and Caleb has his leg stuck in the hippo.
I love you, Nana!
